It happened last night.
All this solitude is starting to get to me. I guess over the last year Ive really changed. That improvising, world music playing, guy crushing, female musician from West Philly is really in the past.
I went to a show last night. It was at a gallery called Skylab, downtown Columbus. I figured, yeah, why not go out and see you're "friends" play. The guy who runs the joint broke the world record for Hula Hooping for 72 hours? Hes a performance artists and has an art space that sleeps about 10? maybe I couldn't count. Home grown art, vintage clothing, not showering for days, noise music, thick philosophical books on the many coffee tables that support old beer cans and ashed joints. Vegan potlucks, Freeganing about...You know, the same stuff that was going on in West Philly 2005-2008. It was all exhilarating and exciting at the time, but that was long since past. and this was the watered down, smaller Midwestern version. But hey I'm not against it. I totally support the guys, I just find it rather boring and ironically uncreative.
So a friend of mine from Philly was playing and I decided to go say hi. The Hula hooping champion has been hooping after me since I got to town, and was adamant on saying his goodbyes before he heads to New Delhi, India to become a nanny for a few years.
The show was scheduled to start at 8:45, and the first band didn't go on until 10:30. Me, being an old granny, I just couldnt bear it. I asked Natalie if I could buy one of her records, since I would be secretly splitting in a few minutes. Hse said sure, 5 bucks! and said she'd be right back. She didn't return for a while and I happened to check my money situation and saw that I only had 3 bucks. Ultimately, I got frustrated and left without saying goodbye.
I guess I'm still pissed about everything right now. I'm moving to Kansas, Curtis was out, and the only creative music scene surrounding me these days is noise. The last few nights Ive been haunted by Louis Armstrong's greatness and have been wanting to find something with just as much spirit and innovation as he had for America in the 20th century.
The only problem is... I don't know what that sound is... and the only way for me to do it, is to start writing it on my own. Ive never been able to satisfy myself musically nor write my own tunes or compositions.
...i don't know. I just feel very alone.
I miss my old heros. I miss feeling inspired. I'm going home for a few days. I'll get back to you soon.
thanks
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
Dinah
Well. Its been awhile again. After I got back from Baltimore, my Internet stopped working at the house, so I haven't been able to update at all.
So, Now its March 8th and a few days before the Curtis audition. Over the last few weeks Ive been practicing like a maniac. Impossible dreams are what drives me to shoot for the moon and land amongst the stars.
For the audition I prepared a different Bach Cello Suite. No 2 Prelude in D minor. It was actually the sightreading that Bob gave me that I blew to pieces the month before. The Japanese piece wasn't working out so I figured I'd learn that and swap the two for a better performance. Worked the balls out of my snare drum pieces, and Timpani was almost everyday at Otterbein. I was still sailing high off of my Peabody audition in hopes that some miracle would happen and I'd finally accomplish my dream of being a student at Curtis after studying for only 5 mins.
...But realistically, life doesn't work out that way.
Yesterday I had my mock audition lesson with Jon.
He seemed excited to see me, and chat about the hard knock life, and everyone else under the classical percussion sun. Then.. he paused and said...."I talked to Bob."
In my heart I knew by the tone that it was a semi negative remark.
"He loved you, and was thoroughly impressed. He said out of all the students that played that day, you stayed in his mind, and was the most memorable.
But, you didn't get in.
He also said that Ji Hye is the perfect fit for you in Kansas and that if you did a lot of push ups and sit ups, that there's no doubt that he'd have a place for you in one of his graduate programs.
and he said that out of everyone that played, you were one of the few who actually had something to say. He asked a lot about you, and I told him your story. (which Jon doesn't know anything about me")
and he said that you have an internal compass and the look on your face when you came into the audition just said, I'd do anything to study with you. He really liked that.
But there were at least 10 or 15 people ahead of you, out of 30.
Yeah, apparently theres this 17 year old girls who's winning auditions everywhere, she got the highest scholarship at Peabody, and a full ride at CSO....yeah one of Tom's students."
....I just sat there nodding, but inside my heart was breaking into the tiniest little pieces.
"Great. so enough about this! lets get to playing."
Jon set up the video camera and we started the mock audition.
I couldn't even concentrate, I was in such shock, and disappointment in myself and in Jon for telling me this only a few days before my Curtis audition. All that fire and intensity that I was relying on for Curtis completely vanished and I felt like complete shit.
My mock audition was close to embarrassing, and I spent most of my energy fighting back the tears that would eventually flood the next few phone calls to Bill, Mom, and Quyen, during my two hour drive home.
The rest of the evening I was crushed and deflated. Without any desire to touch my instruments downstairs.
I woke up this morning feeling much better, and after much thought decided to forfeit my Curtis audition. If there were 10-15 people ahead of my at Peabody, there's gonna be at least 20 at Curtis
Surprisingly, I feel relieved. If I learned anything out here, its that you cant make apple juice without squeezing the shit out of them first, you cant run before you learn to walk. I tend to try and skip the midsection and go for the gold....
But thats ok. I'm moving to Kansas and I'll study with Ji Hye for two-three years and then go auditon for Bob at Yale.
It feels good to be back to reality and swingin once again.
I mean, C'mon I'm Ashley Deekus. Getting into Curtis would just...be too easy. I'm still writing my story.
Sing it Louie!
So, Now its March 8th and a few days before the Curtis audition. Over the last few weeks Ive been practicing like a maniac. Impossible dreams are what drives me to shoot for the moon and land amongst the stars.
For the audition I prepared a different Bach Cello Suite. No 2 Prelude in D minor. It was actually the sightreading that Bob gave me that I blew to pieces the month before. The Japanese piece wasn't working out so I figured I'd learn that and swap the two for a better performance. Worked the balls out of my snare drum pieces, and Timpani was almost everyday at Otterbein. I was still sailing high off of my Peabody audition in hopes that some miracle would happen and I'd finally accomplish my dream of being a student at Curtis after studying for only 5 mins.
...But realistically, life doesn't work out that way.
Yesterday I had my mock audition lesson with Jon.
He seemed excited to see me, and chat about the hard knock life, and everyone else under the classical percussion sun. Then.. he paused and said...."I talked to Bob."
In my heart I knew by the tone that it was a semi negative remark.
"He loved you, and was thoroughly impressed. He said out of all the students that played that day, you stayed in his mind, and was the most memorable.
But, you didn't get in.
He also said that Ji Hye is the perfect fit for you in Kansas and that if you did a lot of push ups and sit ups, that there's no doubt that he'd have a place for you in one of his graduate programs.
and he said that out of everyone that played, you were one of the few who actually had something to say. He asked a lot about you, and I told him your story. (which Jon doesn't know anything about me")
and he said that you have an internal compass and the look on your face when you came into the audition just said, I'd do anything to study with you. He really liked that.
But there were at least 10 or 15 people ahead of you, out of 30.
Yeah, apparently theres this 17 year old girls who's winning auditions everywhere, she got the highest scholarship at Peabody, and a full ride at CSO....yeah one of Tom's students."
....I just sat there nodding, but inside my heart was breaking into the tiniest little pieces.
"Great. so enough about this! lets get to playing."
Jon set up the video camera and we started the mock audition.
I couldn't even concentrate, I was in such shock, and disappointment in myself and in Jon for telling me this only a few days before my Curtis audition. All that fire and intensity that I was relying on for Curtis completely vanished and I felt like complete shit.
My mock audition was close to embarrassing, and I spent most of my energy fighting back the tears that would eventually flood the next few phone calls to Bill, Mom, and Quyen, during my two hour drive home.
The rest of the evening I was crushed and deflated. Without any desire to touch my instruments downstairs.
I woke up this morning feeling much better, and after much thought decided to forfeit my Curtis audition. If there were 10-15 people ahead of my at Peabody, there's gonna be at least 20 at Curtis
Surprisingly, I feel relieved. If I learned anything out here, its that you cant make apple juice without squeezing the shit out of them first, you cant run before you learn to walk. I tend to try and skip the midsection and go for the gold....
But thats ok. I'm moving to Kansas and I'll study with Ji Hye for two-three years and then go auditon for Bob at Yale.
It feels good to be back to reality and swingin once again.
I mean, C'mon I'm Ashley Deekus. Getting into Curtis would just...be too easy. I'm still writing my story.
Sing it Louie!
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